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Dreaming of Donald Trump

It’s been a busy February for Donald Trump. On the heels of last week’s opening of the redesigned Blue Monster course at Trump National Doral, the inimitable real-estate mogul was back in the golf spotlight on Tuesday with the announcement of his purchase of the seaside Doonbeg resort in Ireland. That same day, he stood defiant as a Scottish judge rejected his legal challenge of a wind farm being built in coastal waters near his Trump International Golf Links, Scotland.

Trump’s reported $20.5 million purchase of Doonbeg out of receivership brings to 16 the number of golf properties in the Donald’s portfolio. Not surprisingly, he announced that the Co. Clare resort, which includes an 18-hole Greg Norman layout and a five-star lodge, would be renamed Trump International Golf Links, Ireland.

Love him or loathe him, Trump is an unabashed golf enthusiast who’s clearly committed to developing first-class golf properties. And his participation last month in a PGA Merchandise Show panel examining the state of the golf industry suggests he’s looking to protect his investments by ensuring the health of the game.

Still, Trump’s bombastic pronouncements, penchant for self-promotion and beleaguered hairdo beg for a little parody. Take this dream I had last night …

“Good evening, friends, this is Jim Nantz coming to you live from inside the Trump Cabin on the grounds of the hallowed Trump Augusta National Golf Club. To my left is Billy Payne, chairman … Oh, wait, is that a chopper I hear landing on the new helipad next to the practice green?”

(A few moments pass. Donald Trump enters the cabin and speaks.)

“Hi Jim. Billy, you’re fired.”

(A stunned Nantz ad libs.)

“Well, uh, hello Mr. Trump. Won’t you have a seat? Our champion and low amateur will be with us in just a few moments.”

“Certainly, Jim.”

(John Daly and Guan Tianlang enter the cabin. Nantz resumes.)

“This 78th Trump Masters was indeed one for the ages. Who would have thought on Thursday that 47-year-old John Daly, dollar bills on his pants and all, would catch lightning in a bottle, record four rounds in the 60s and capture his third major title. I don’t know about you, Mr. Trump, but I have goosebumps.”

“I hear you Jim. Boy, I sure like your style, Big John.”

“Thanks Mr. Trump. And I sure appreciate you letting me park my RV on Magnolia Lane all week.”

(Nantz queries the champion.)

“John, what were the key moments for you out there today?”

“Well, there were several, Jim. Avoiding Trump’s Creek on 12 and 13 was huge, and carving that 6-iron around the new Bellagio fountains in front of the green at 15 to set up eagle gave me momentum. And after clipping the branches of Trump’s Tree on 17, the birdie there was icing on the cake.”

“Ah yes, 17, the hole we once referred to lovingly as Nandina, now known as Ivanka. … Well, without further ado, Adam Scott is standing by to slip on your new Trump Green Jacket and commemorative Trump toupee.”

(Scott helps Daly into the coat and hairpiece. Trump interjects.)

“The hair’s an improvement, Big John.”

(Laughter ensues. Nantz continues.)

“And for our low amateur, Guan Tianlang, the Silver Cup. And, new this year, a spot on the upcoming season of The Apprentice.”

(Trump smiles approvingly and addresses the Chinese teenager.)

“Guan, I’m looking forward to having you on the show. I’m hoping you’ll win so I can hire you to promote my next course, Trump International Golf Links, China.”

(Guan nods graciously and replies.)

“Thank you, Mr. Trump. Your tips for picking up the pace came in handy this week.”

(Chopper blades roar in the background. Trump rises from his chair and speaks.)

“Well, guys, it’s been real, but I’m off. I’ve got an early tee time out west tomorrow with Arnie and Clint. … In case you hadn’t heard, I’m negotiating to buy Pebble.”

“Oh, and by the way, Jim, you’re fired. I’m bringing in Fox to do the telecast next year.”

(CBS’ Masters theme music fades in as Nantz, maintaining his composure, signs off.)

“Once again, a tradition unlike any other. The Trump Masters.”  







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